"Love Is Blind" Reminded Me How Much Toxic Masculinity Silences Survivors

Content Warning: this article mentions sexual violence.

Masculinity is not toxic in and of itself, but certain socially regressive qualities that are labeled as “manly” have massive repercussions for men and the society, leading to the manifestation of “toxic masculinity.”

- What Is Toxic Masculinity And How Does It Affect Men? | Feminism in India

“How did you lose your virginity?” the woman on the other side of the wall asked her potential lover. 

“Well,” he began. “I’ve never talked about this before, but…”

The music shifted to slow and somber; anticipating something painful was about to be announced.

The young man proceeded to disclose that his introduction to sex (I use the term “sex” very lightly) was through a non-consensual experience. He told the intimate details of how he went on a trip with a friend and met a woman who forced herself onto him, despite him being clear in his discomfort through both his actions and his words - including multiple outright “no’s.” 

As a sexual health educator, and a self-proclaimed reality TV connoisseur, at that moment I felt optimistic to see this candid moment on the screen. It isn’t common that we witness such honest conversations about sexual violence in the world of reality television, and it’s especially rare to hear these stories of survival come from men or masc folks. From an educator perspective it brought me a lot of hope to know that more people will see themselves reflected in this man’s story. I was, however, most devastated by the fact that I wasn’t surprised by his story at all. Listening to him disclose his experience to the woman in the other pod I was reminded of various conversations I’ve had with so many of the men and masc folks in my life about their first sexual or romantic encounters. These situations that they once thought made them cooler, more impressive, and more “masculine”, were actually violent moments of their vulnerability being taken advantage of. 

From my first girlfriend was in her 20’s and I was 16 to an adult woman that I trusted made an advance on me when I was in high school I’ve heard all kinds of stories from men and masc people describing the ways in which their sexual foundation was stained by sexual violence, and what made it more gut-wrenching is that many of them didn’t recognize it as such until discussing it in adulthood.

I scrolled through social media after watching the episode and was met with videos of people replaying that moment and emphasizing the importance of it. Seeing the reality show participant share his story as a 20-something year old white man led me to reflect even more about the folks that have shared their similar experiences with me, and that they are all Black. I thought more about how their stories are less likely to ever be shared in such a public way, but also - due to the intersections of toxic masculinity, homophobia, and anti-Blackness- their stories are much less likely to even be received with the same kind of grace, love, and admiration that this man’s was (think of how Terry Crews was treated when he, a 240 pound Black man, disclosed to the world that he had been sexually assaulted).

The complexities of these experiences for many is amplified when the intersection of race is brought into the equation. While 1 in 6 men have experienced sexual violence, men in marginalized groups, including race, are even more likely to report experiencing sexual violence than other men. This is a direct result of anti-Blackness. The role that-anti-Blackness plays in contributing to the victimization of Black boys, men and masc people is crucial to upholding toxic masculinity, as it convinces us that Black boys, men, and masc folks are incapable of experiencing pain, are hypersexual, and are less in need of safety or protection than other youth.

Toxic masculinity, teamed with sexual racism and anti-Blackness, has created a culture where it is socially acceptable for Black boys to be treated like men. It’s evident in the ways in which Black boys are perceived on a systemic level (healthcare, policing, the school system) but also in relation to social perceptions of them in the context of sex. Fetishizing Black boys and reducing them to racial stereotypes for amusement and pleasure, is sexual violence. Adults making sexual advances on Black boys because they “look older” or “are mature for their age” is sexual violence. Feeding into the racist assumption that the combination of Blackness and masculinity is inherently hypersexual and incapable of experiencing sexual violence, is violent.

For people socialized as masculine, being offered “sex” is always recognized as an accomplishment and never viewed as a potential act of violence. The normalization of sexual violence against men is rooted in colonial, heteronormative ideas that men and masc people are unable to experience sexual violence. And because of the expectation for sex to be something that men and masc people are entitled to, should always want, and ultimately need, it is the one form of violence where we, socially, fail to provide the care, understanding, or help that survivors deserve. If a man or masc person experiences any other form of harm, it is, often, met with empathy. If a man or masc person, however, is “given” the opportunity to have sex, and dares to not want it, no one seems to be able to wrap their head around it, or muster up the ability to believe their pain to be true and valid.

After watching the episode of Love Is Blind, and thinking more about the men and masc folks in my life who are survivors of sexual violence, I’m left with more questions. What are the colonial impacts on Black men and masc folks when it comes to sexual violence, and their positions as survivors, in a world where they have historically only ever been assumed to be predators? How does the overrepresentation of Black men in the carceral system reproduce more survivors of sexual violence, with so much shame attached to their story that they can’t even comprehend coming forward? What are the effects of Black boys growing up in communities where they are told to accept whatever sexual and romantic opportunities come their way, and Black girls are scolded to just be less tempting? How does this create adults who actually have no real understanding of what consent even is, and what their own boundaries are? And how can we continue to bring up these types of conversations in pop culture settings, so that the content we’re consuming is reflective of more peoples’ realities, and encourages more inclusive conversations about the ways in which toxic masculinity has-and continues to- harm all survivors of sexual violence?

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Illustration by Chance Mutuku.

Lydia Collins